It has been many months since I have written on this small space of mine and there have been many big changes, including the name of this site – soon enough – as we temporarily venture away from our farming lifestyle and make our move into the “city” later this month.
I feel like I am reaching a point of understanding the changes that have occurred in my life, over the last year, and how I have learned and can grow from them. There has been unexpected death and a multitude of heart ache that led to decisions made to hopefully positively impact the lives of my children.
I have only ever wanted to be a mom. A stay at home mom – and then a stay at home grandma (in case my girls wanted a career) to be exact. I love being home every day with my children. I love teaching them – training them. It is all I want in life. So, I became dependent on my spouse – which, last Spring, suddenly seemed silly and immature to me. Actually, I felt it to be downright reckless. Backstory – Within two months of each other, a family member and friend of ours passed away at a very young age, leaving his family behind and my husband was in a series of car accidents. I was overcome with sadness and became scared for my children’s future. I have five sweet kids – How would we survive if something happened? My dad was also in the hospital during this time with heart and lung troubles. In April, I was in charge of sleeping by his bedside in case something went wrong in the night, and there I felt the strong pull to study Nursing as a career. I have had few moments in my life where I can clearly hear God speaking to me – when I chose to devote my life to Christ and this moment. That night I began researching requirements. I retook expired classes that summer and applied to nursing school in August. When I received my acceptance letter to my school of choice, I knew I made the right decision for my family.
Now, the kiddos and I are half way through our year off of homeschooling and have all started traditional school – a decision that I struggled with making for months, but I knew that I couldn’t provide them a sufficient education while attending school full time myself. I am studying for a career in nursing, and they are trying to remain sane. Public school has offered an array of new learning skills, and I feel deeply for my children when they express their concerns over the experiences they have at the hands of our educational institution.
We have chosen a smaller school in our smallish town, and I am thankful for that. I personally know many of the staff members and I genuinely trust my children in their hands for the majority of their day. But, I miss them and I know that they feel as though I betrayed their trust. They have never been away from me or each other.
When people have asked, “How long do you plan on homeschooling?” I always said, “Oh, I take it year by year”. However, I never truly believed that. I knew in my heart that my desire was for my children to remain home with me – were never to set foot in a classroom and be under another person’s care all day every day. My plans are not my own.
A series of unfortunate events led to a hopefully positive lifestyle change. I have found something for myself that I absolutely love – medicine, and my kiddos have learned to adapt to changes that they might not anticipate or desire. They are counting down the days (and so am I) until we can all be home together again.
One thing I have realized about myself is that I do tend to see my worth in my children. I love to be with them. I love raising them and I feel lost when they are not home with me. I feel guilty every. single. day when they leave me for an entire nine hours out of their day – Monday through Friday, and I am not sure yet how I can overcome that guilt, other than actively praying that God preserves their innocence and keeps them close in friendship.
Decision making is not a strong quality of mine and I regret this decision the most. When trouble comes, I immediately go into survival mode and attempt to fix whatever the problem might be. I realized that I needed my own career and I was afraid that I couldn’t do it all. Which is why I chose nursing in the first place. Not only do I love the study of medicine, but it is a career that well suits my family time.
Winter break is over and I will be missing them again. I am absent for the majority of their day. I miss the good things – the sad things – their confrontations – and their moments of joy. It feels as though a part of me is gone during the day, which I guess it is. My entire daily routine was devoted to caring for them. I wonder around this house (which is not my own) unsure of what to do with my day until nursing school starts again and I can busy myself, which means Joel and his potty training will receive all of my attention – he is not too thrilled.
This is only a tiny season of our ever changing lives. Rather than pushing down the heavy feeling of failing it can be the year we look back on and say, “Hey! Remember that year we all made big changes to better our lives!? I hope I can only grow happier knowing that everything that has happened is a part of God’s design for us. I look forward to seeing the hopefully positive outcome of my labor (and the late nights consumed with mom guilt) in my children’s hearts as they grow older.
This site will undergo a resurfacing as I choose a new name. The focus will continue to be motherhood, recipes, gardening, and lifestyle, but I am sure my articles will be sparse during this busy season!
“For I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord.” Jeremiah 29:11